Friday, August 29, 2008

Leatherman


Timmy is hosting at Mr. Black tomorrow night, so I went with him to Leatherman in the West Village today to buy assless chaps for him to wear. Here are the three best things I found:

A porno called "Can Opener." (HAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!)
A fisting-sized dildo shaped like a large skyscraper that was called "Rump Tower."
A comic book series called Demonicsex, which is all about buff dudes who turn into devils and werewolves and bone each other.

Guess which one I bought? Hint: it was NOT the second one.

God Tube???


Love in Action, that fucked up straight camp I checked myself into last year for a story, is reaching out to more churches to spread their message. Just to be clear, Love in Action doesn't claim that they can "cure" homosexuality, just that they can free people from "bondage" (heh)
and make them men and and women of God. Here's a list of the latest churches and organizations to align themselves with LIA:
Pleasant Hill Baptist Church in Olive Branch, MS
Audubon Park Baptist Church in Memphis, TN
Sold Out Ministries (National, you can find all sorts of stuff about them on www.godtube.com. They do a lot of interviews with NFL players).
Cross Way Church in Bartlett, TN
World Overcomers Church, Memphis, TN

I'm so embarrassed that my home state is such a hotbed for these closet cases. But don't let that ever stop you from visiting Pigeon Forge. I still have a cigarette case from the Hank Williams Jr. museum that I bought there when I was a teeeeeeen.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Ahem


In light of Hilary Duff's dad being sent to jail, I'd just like to remind you all that back in December of 2006, I was THE VERY FIRST writer ever to uncover and reveal the sad circumstances of her practically estranged father.
Service journalism, at its finest. You're welcome.

Restless, Anxious


Not sure what is going on with me today but I'm feeling super angsty and restless. I can't get any work done, despite a looming deadline. I could go to the gym and work this out but I think I'm just going to pop a Kloni and go buy these boots instead.
Gay gay gay.
And yes, I recognize this as "addictive behavior."

N


One of the 187,654,362,874 reasons why I love my little sister:

"How do you explain that at 5:00 every day, you feel as if your heart might burst and the world shatters into a thousand thin blades of glass that lacerate your gut and make you want to fling yourself weeping from somewhere high to something flat, hard, and unyielding, so as to explode the pressure once and for all? Sometimes i feel as if i might just burst into flames, i feel my chest burning with a slow embryonic ember heat that howls to claw its way free and expose itself to the oxygen ignition. There are people with one long, endless scream going on within them and those are the ones my blood responds to and my instinct insect ticks towards, invisible scent on the wind unrelated to intelligence or common belief. It’s a sense apart from the animal and a part of the animal simultaneously somehow. I suppose it’s what makes me love some complete assholes, and other soft-spoken gentle people with bombs secretly ticking inside them, people with switchblade fury, no morality, or such morality that they hold it like a torch in front of them burning directly from their blood. they come from all paths, all corners, and you recognize them by the fact that they don’t give a fuck, or care too much in the world’s eyes. The possessors of a permanent, chronic fever of the soul."

Henceforth, a Blogue


As some of you know, I got my career started at Interview magazine back in the mid-90s, so I've been watching their regime change with great interest. Ingrid Sischy and Sandy Brant had a pretty bizarre influence on my late adolescence, and I basically worship Fabion Baron. The new September issue is pretty fucking great. My only problem with it was that every single designer they picked for their "Non-conformists" piece was a man, but other then that personal annoyance, it's a great read, especially the interviews with Gardar Eide Einarsson, Kate Moss and this guy, who I am now totally obsessed with.
But the BEST part of the issue is Glenn O'Brien's brilliant way of dealing with Anna Wintour's distaste of the word blog. He refers to them as blogues.
Fucking. Genius.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Exercise in Abject Narcissism

When I was at rehab, one of my friends who was house sitting confessed that while I was away, he had accidentally stumbled across something on my computer that made him extremely uncomfortable. I cursed myself for not deleting the Plushie porn after downloading it, but it turns out his discovery was even worse.
He had opened my iPhoto and saw the 500-odd portraits I had taken of myself back during the initial Friendster and Myspace craze. I was mortified, AM STILL mortified, but I figure it's better to face these things head on. So, I give to you a video montage of my early internet social networking self-images. I wish I could claim that these photos were a pre-planned project to see how I'd grown since 2002, but no, each one was purely a ploy to try and land a boyfriend. I threw in some gory stuff from my pill-induced break down period in there too, so be warned. There will be blood. Oh, and I also set it to some time period appropriate Luxx/Berliniamsburg music. Enjoy, or be horrified.

Squatting in Barcelona?


Little sister, rumor has it you have run off to Barcelona to nurse a broken heart. If you are reading this, please get in touch. I'll fly you out here and we'll go to the upstate house and sift through old stuffed animals and climb up to the widow's watch and smoke a little pot and wail for our husbands who have been metaphorically lost at sea.
Call or email me, I'm worried.

Monday, August 25, 2008

"Ollie Dior" Tagger Finally Busted


I followed Ollie when I saw him sneaking out the window the other night, and LOOK WHAT I DISCOVERED!! He is so grounded.

Special thanks to Jonny for indulging my retarded whims.

Summer of Monsters Continues

Look at these HUGE parasites I found swimming in a vat of pigeon shit that your leather products get soaked in before being turned into a purse or shoes or, god forbid, pants. SICK!!!!
Use the plastic cup at the end of the video to get a sense of their size. Sorry for the Blair Witch filming style, but I was trying not to vomit.

Saturday, August 23, 2008

"Kindness is just love with its work boots on."


I saw "The House Bunny" this morning and cried, like, seven different times. And not out of laughter. Don't get me wrong, it was funny, but seriously, this is why I have so much gay shame. And why I miss opiates so much. I have so many FEELINGS now and they just keep popping out at really inappropriate moments. Who the fuck bursts into tears when someone utters the words in the headline above??
Jesus.

Friday, August 22, 2008

Honky Chateau


This 1972 cover image of Elton John, from his eight-track for Honky Chateau, looks alarmingly like my ex-boyfriend. Most of you will know immediately who I'm talking about.

Shopping Alert


Don't ever buy leather in Morocco. You won't realize it until you get home, but it will REEK of dead camel and you have to air it out forever before leather experts will even touch it. These two pieces were oxidized three times and it barely made a dent in the stench. I'm going to ship them down to Tennessee to live in my grandmother's carport for awhile. I'm sad.

Tripping With Anna


I can't get this this story about Anna Wintour tripping and falling and the intern running away instead of helping her up out of my head.
I've been in the immediate presence of Ms. Wintour exactly twice. Once, when I was a very young intern, I was responsible for escorting guests at a dinner party for Karl Lagerfeld to the private dining room located upstairs at a restaurant.
She was nothing but gracious, and had she tripped on the stairs I wouldn't have hesitated to help her. How could one not?? I don't care how fearsome she is, it's just psychotically rude not to help someone up, and I would have rather been fired for helping her then to just let someone lay on the floor. Or worse, tumble down a flight of stairs.
The second time I was near her was many years later, during one of those famous Conde Nast building elevator experiences. The Vogue offices were located off the same elevator banks as the magazine I was working for at the time. She was waiting for one, and I was late, so I got in with her. Yes, I was nervous, but she actually smiled at me before turning to face the front. And I am not embarrassed to admit that it made my entire day.
No, wait, I am embarrassed that it made me happy. That is SO GAY!!!!!!

End


I hate it when terrible things happen to people and then there isn't even a lesson to be learned in it. What a fucking waste.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

You Take What You Can Get


For some reason this story of an injured baby whale trying to nurse with a small boat reminds me of the time I tried to take on Zelda Rubenstein as a mother figure after interviewing her.

All Cats Are Not Gray in Morocco


I made a new album on Facebook of all the street cats I took pictures of in Morocco. For those of you who actually HAVE A HEART.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

WHA????????


Why am I JUST NOW finding out that Type O Negative's Peter Steele posed totally nude in the August 1995 issue of Playgirl?!?!?!?

DANG IT!!!!


I have an awesome subletter staying in the back bedroom for the summer so I'd have someone to take care of my cat and fish whenever I'm out of town. When I was in Morocco her parents came to visit and stayed in my room, so I cleared the drawer next to my bed of all condoms and lube. AND NOW I CAN'T REMEMBER WHERE I HID ANY OF IT!!!!!!

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

The Best


Oh yeah and I also wanted to share with you all my most prized find in the souk. He weighs about ten pounds and stayed with me the whole time I was sick. I wish I knew his history, he feels very old. I know he's made of bronze, but I'm not sure if it's a lost-wax process. He is far too dignified to be given a name. Despite flashing his nads. No, fuck that, PRECISELY because his penis is proudly on display. Better here than on the LIRR.

The Crawl


I had the weirdest allergic reaction to the meds my doctor put me on to cure me of the disease I picked up in Africa. My joints didn't work right and I could barely move all morning. I had to crawl to get my phone and call my doctor. He switched them out for a new batch of pills that just seem to make me tired and pissed off all the time, so I'm gonna go to Fire Island tomorrow for a few days to recover on the beach. Boo fucking hoo, right? Right. Don't judge me.
I'm not sure if it's the jet lag or what but I've been prone to these sudden outbursts of tears the last few days. Yesterday I was in Times Square crossing the street and it happened midway through, in front of a bunch of horrified tourists. Five minutes later, I saw a man shitting himself in front of the Hachette Filipacchi building, but that elicited zero emotion.

Monday, August 18, 2008

SPEAKING of cats...

Guess who is VERY excited to have me back home?

What the Hell Happened While I was Gone?


I'm so out of the loop! Did they ever discover what the Montauk Monster really is? Aniston and Mayer broke up? There's an Olympics going on? Can I pay someone out there to catch me up on the most important pop culture-ish things that have happened in the past ten days? Because when I woke up at 4 AM from jet lag and tried to ingest a whole week of Gawker and Jezebel, I couldn't concentrate at all. I kept flashing back to the 400 starving cats I saw in the streets of Marrakech. I took pictures of as many as I could, and I think I'm going to start a separate blog called LOL Moroccan Street Cats. It will be full of bleeding kittens fighting over rotting sardine heads, with big white letters that say things like, "I can haz leprosee AND fishiez?"
Above photo is the way all cats should be fed.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Mind Blown


Forget that other pool pic I posted, I just grabbed it off some Moroccan hotel website. Here's the real pool at the palace we stayed at in Marrakech. This is just one of at least six courtyards there, I'm still not sure I found them all. More pics and stories to come, but right now I'm jet lagged and just want to stare into my cat's eyes awhile longer. In short though, it was the best and worst experience of my entire life. Some quick advice - never drink water from the top of the Atlas Mountains, no matter how dehydrated you are after the climb. I vomited so hard I cracked a rib.

Friday, August 8, 2008

See ya Later


Maybe I won't come back. But if I do, it'll be around the 17th. Don't expect to hear much from me in the meantime, but do expect beautiful gifts when I get back, handpicked by a famous stylist's assistant who is traveling with us. I can't shop for shit.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Watch This Now!


I'm talking about this. And then go to www.nishere.com and watch the whole thing from episode one. There will be 25 by the time the project is completed and I am HOOKED. And to my own N, next summer we are writing a graphic novel together. I will come to you or rent us a house where ever you want. I vote for the San Juan islands because there are whales there. Plus I know its secrets, it will be good for inspiration.
I took a Suboxone today that I got from a harm reduction center. No guilt trips from any of you please, I feel fine about it. Reaaaallllllyyyyyyy fine!!!!!! J/K, this stuff just makes me a tiny bit high and gets rid of the cravings for the really good stuff.
Three more days to Marrakesh and I have done zero preparation. But really, what else is there to do except throw some shit in a suitcase, get on a plane, take a Klonopin, land and get in the car the butler will have waiting for me? God, sometimes I love being able to sound a like pretentious dickwad, it makes an entire childhood of government cheese feel worth it.
PS - the photo above is the view from my bed in the back bedroom at the house upstate. I have been drastically under-utilizing that place. My folks brought more furniture up for it, so get ready for party time come Fall! And by party time, I mean maybe we go there for Halloween, check out some leaves and give out candy to kids, but only to those who actually made their costumes.

Friday, August 1, 2008

LIRR OMG


Yesterday on the train back from Fire Island, a really hot guy sitting across the aisle kept staring at me. So I stared back. Then he pulled his wiener out of his shorts and waved it around a bit. Gay guys are SO WEIRD!! Instead of ignoring him like I usually would, I wrote down my email address on a piece of paper and tossed it at him with a note saying that I thought he was hot and everything but I really had to get some work done. A minute later my Blackberry buzzes and it's him! He introduced himself very politely and inquired about the manuscript I was reading. We wrote back and forth for a bit, then he came and sat down next to me and we had a great conversation about architecture. When we arrived at Penn Station we took the subway partway home together and now I have a new friend. Although I'm not sure I want to be friends with the kind of guy who whips it out on a crowded train. It's not like we were in a gym locker room where that behavior is at least tolerated. Besides, I'm too excited about my other prospects. I'd hate to date this guy and have to explain at parties how we met.

Big thanks to Anna for trekking around Soho with me all day and helping me find a pair of linen pants (shudder) for my trip to Morocco. I'm gonna look like such a douche, but I will be a comfortable douche.
I'm not allowed to show my legs in fancy restaurants, and Morocco in August is basically like standing in front of a hairdryer set to high while inside a kiln.