Two Steps Back

I say two steps because not only did I slip up, I slipped up in a really disgusting way. I was on my way home from a therapy appointment on Monday, got on the M train and as soon as we hit the bridge I glanced down and noticed a thick, round white pill sitting next to me on the seat. I didn't recognize what kind it was but I knew, just knew it was an opiate in generic form. It sat there and looked at me and without any hesitation I scooped it up and slipped it in my pocket. When I got home I looked up the markings on Pill Identifier and I was right, it was a 300/30mg combo of codeine and acetaminophen. Weak by my standards, but it's been awhile so a few nights later I took it before I went to a party at a former co-worker's apartment. OH MY GOD just as I wrote that I remembered that while I was there I stole a strange pill from his bedside table!!!!!! Oh fuck. Hang on.
Ok I just found it in my jeans pocket and looked it up on PI and it's just a Zolpidem, a hypnotic non-benzo sleep aid. That's going in the trash, I have no trouble sleeping. I can sleep for days if I want.
Anyway. The party. I could feel the codeine pill, but in a really nice, very subtle and mellow way. It just made me smile a lot. I got drunk, going so far as to sneak beers into my bag out of the fridge because I was scared they were going to run out since it was more of a cocktail party. I saw many former co-workers, gleefully showed them a picture of my book cover on my phone, bragged unnecessarily about this dumb ghostwriting job and stumbled out, totally wasted by 9:00 PM. I met a friend at Metropolitan where it was 2 for 1 night and everything is just a haze from there on out. I remember getting home and shredding cheese over the contents of several bags of Doritos and microwaving them. I woke up in my bed, fully clothed, contact lenses still in. My computer was by my dresser and according to my browser history I was searching through M4M listings on Craigslist. Anyone who knows me knows how I feel about those listings. They are evil incarnate. Even that drunk I know I wouldn't have acted on it, I was probably just looking at pics.
I spent the day on the couch, catching up on a week's worth of DVR TV. I took fourteen Advil in all over the course of the day and my headache refused to leave. I stayed up until 5:00 AM until I finally showered and passed out.
I feel fine today, the only hangover left is a guilty emotional one. It's been so long since I've had a night and following day like that. I guess maybe I just needed a reminder about how terrible it makes me feel about myself. It's good timing since there are so many holiday parties coming up that I'm supposed to go to, I'll know to keep it in check now. What worries me most is that after everything I've gone through, the second I saw that pill next to me on the subway, there was not one second of hesitation in my brain. It was mine, finders keepers. I'm a guest speaker at an NYU class on Monday where I'm supposed to talk about the process of writing my book, and I know the first question is going to be if I've stayed clean and I have no idea what to say. I want to be honest but my editor will be there and I don't want to jeopardize our relationship, especially since my contract gives her first look rights to my next project and I really want to keep working with her. I don't want to give her reason to doubt me, but I guess that's just inevitable when you've made your real life your career as well.