Thinking It Through

Ok, I think I'm starting to understand more about what is going on with me today. A big part of the
book of his that I read last night had to do with the nature of relationships - their possibilities and odds of working, and the general idea was that as long as two people share the same principles, then that is a really solid foundation to begin on.
I know I have good principles. I KNOW I am a good person at heart. But I constantly betray that side of myself and I don't know if it's the pills or if it's part of my soul or just my nature to be capable of doing really terrible things. This seems to me to be a normal trait of humans. There is no such thing as black and white. But the people in my life so far who I have really and truly fallen for are ones who have learned to not listen to that side of themselves. They've chosen the good side and managed to hold on to it. The have a clear vision of right and wrong, but more importantly, they act on that belief and live their life to that standard. And that is something that I haven't figured out how to do yet. And I'm getting scared that it's too late, that maybe this is something people learn when they have parents who don't join cults or disappear for months on end, leaving you with a rotating cast of scary high school friends and your kindergarten teacher.
I know I'm far too old to blame my parents for anything. I'm an adult. But I can't help noticing that the truly good people in this world (the ones who don't cheat or fall into drugs) that I've come across, all come from extremely well adjusted and loving families.
It's not fucking physics here. (Which is good, because I never took physics and have no idea what the basic principles even are, despite the fact that my grandfather helped build the atom bomb)
So the question is - HOW DO YOU END THE FUCKING CYCLE? I've been to rehab and been in therapy for years and essentially, nothing has changed.
I guess you just accept who you are, and hope that someday you find someone who can love that version of you. And be cool enough to understand that I will always need any pills in the house to be locked up in a place that I can't get to.