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And all it took was forgiveness from Emily for the nasty things I said to her, an invite to a concert from the author and several bottles of wine with big publishing honchos on the upper west side.
Up and down.
Down and up.
Is this called bi-polar? Or just a bad week where everything worked out OK in the end?
I'm going with the latter.
The photo above came up when I googled "dumb," which I am.
Ok, I think I'm starting to understand more about what is going on with me today. A big part of the
book of his that I read last night had to do with the nature of relationships - their possibilities and odds of working, and the general idea was that as long as two people share the same principles, then that is a really solid foundation to begin on.
I know I have good principles. I KNOW I am a good person at heart. But I constantly betray that side of myself and I don't know if it's the pills or if it's part of my soul or just my nature to be capable of doing really terrible things. This seems to me to be a normal trait of humans. There is no such thing as black and white. But the people in my life so far who I have really and truly fallen for are ones who have learned to not listen to that side of themselves. They've chosen the good side and managed to hold on to it. The have a clear vision of right and wrong, but more importantly, they act on that belief and live their life to that standard. And that is something that I haven't figured out how to do yet. And I'm getting scared that it's too late, that maybe this is something people learn when they have parents who don't join cults or disappear for months on end, leaving you with a rotating cast of scary high school friends and your kindergarten teacher.
I know I'm far too old to blame my parents for anything. I'm an adult. But I can't help noticing that the truly good people in this world (the ones who don't cheat or fall into drugs) that I've come across, all come from extremely well adjusted and loving families.
It's not fucking physics here. (Which is good, because I never took physics and have no idea what the basic principles even are, despite the fact that my grandfather helped build the atom bomb)
So the question is - HOW DO YOU END THE FUCKING CYCLE? I've been to rehab and been in therapy for years and essentially, nothing has changed.
I guess you just accept who you are, and hope that someday you find someone who can love that version of you. And be cool enough to understand that I will always need any pills in the house to be locked up in a place that I can't get to.
Friends who are girls? Are any of you going through this today too? What the fuck? When I worked at a women's mag I was on the same cycle as the other women there, I'd be an emotional wreck whenever they were all PMSing. Did this hormone cycle stick? Because right now I feel like a ninth-grader who just found out his parents are getting divorced, got dumped and discovered razor blades all on the same day.
I can't count how many times I've told myself this. It always ends in heartbreak. So I thought this time around I'd play it different. I refused to read any of his books. I didn't go see the movie just made based on one of them. He's just a normal, cool guy. One with thousands of teenagers who worship him, but whatever. We've been casually dating for about a month now but something happened over the last few times we were together and I fell for him. And I thought maybe he was feeling the same.
But I finally made the mistake of reading one of his books, cover to cover. And he is a fucking genius. It made me cry, multiple times. And I told him that.
And now he isn't returning any of my messages.
I'm a fucking idiot. Because I'm lying to myself. The real reason he probably isn't returning any of my messages is because he discovered that I stole some of the hydrocodone he needs for his back out of his medicine cabinet the other morning. It was pure instinct, everything I'd learned disappeared and my mind went totally blank while I was opening the bottle.
This is never going to end, is it.
I have a meeting with my publisher's lawyers in an hour and I'm a sobbing fucking mess and I don't know how to pull it together in time.
Actually, worse than a dick. I threw a total freak-out tantrum aimed directly at somene who has done nothing but love and support me for years. And I am not a tantrum thrower. I am the most mellow, relaxed, everything-is-totally-cool-always person you could ever meet! But that is dangerous, because I actually get angry a lot, and then just swallow it down and it either turns into depression or builds and builds until it bursts out like wormy white pimple being popped and splattered all over the wrong person.
She claims to have accepted my apology but doesn't want to talk to me. I don't know how to make it right.
